oh, there you are

fall has arrived. the leaves, the temperature fluctuations, the spices in foods these things and so many more that were so different just a month ago. a year ago many things were up in the air. SO MANY THINGS. I did then, as I often do, think to myself “where will I be and what will life be like a year from now? How will I be different? How will the choices I make now cascade into changes within the next year?”
And so here we are. I am marked more by pivotal changes in a year, brought about by actions of my own un/doing, much more so than I am marked by my birthday. And so it has come to be that people places and things which were influencing/influential to me last year are still here. Which is a new thing for me. I have invited in people,  places, jobs, lessons by the dozens in the last many years and yet the degree to which I exposed myself, raw and unbidden, fleshy and unwieldy, a shark among the frail, at times a weeping hot mess. It has circled around me like a vulture, following me, this hot mess and frailty and yet within the circle of my undoing has been created a web of upholding. You are there, holding me when I break into hot tears on the loading dock.
You are there, silently unburdening my heart when I am hardly able to carry the weight of my sadness on my frail hips.
You are there, offering a couch a glass of wine and just a lovely listening ear, so many times through the darkness of days.
You are there, on the phone, listening well and offering speculation and insight with a perspective of my history and love for me that is unending.
You are there, all of you, seeing me. Really looking and not looking away. Reaching out and holding me up without getting any closer than you can to a raging fire. But the cool touch of your support, the scent of your confidence in me on the wind, the look in your eyes that keeps on saying yes do this and move forward I am here for you, regardless of who you were that day. Brown eyed boy, gray haired man, green eyed girl, fire haired woman, lovely hipped mama with the most glorious voice in town that most have never hear. I am here. I am stronger because of you and I am hopeful to always be here for you. You are my web, you are my music, you are ever present, you are me.

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